Tuesday, March 13, 2012

Marking Time

A month an a half ago I moved. No big deal right? Big deal. I moved from Capitol Hill, a busy, dense neighborhood with coffee shops, book stores and bars piled up on top of each other to Ballard. Ballard is quiet, it's rife with small children and dogs, lousy with gardens and the doors roll up at the advanced hour of 8pm. I lived with the often gritty but always open (figuratively and literally) Capitol Hill for almost 10 years. I lived in 5 different apartments there. I was with my ex for nearly 8 years there. I finished school and started my professional life there. I left my partner there. I left my career there. I started making art seriously there. I ran the same route every few days there. I wrote, dreamed and made years and years of memories there. I left it while I still loved it. I've been struggling with the change a great deal.

I moved because nearly everything in my life has changed in the last few years. Who is in my life. What I chose to focus on and give value to. What I do for a living. Where I'm headed in the future. And when I change things --- as my adopted mother likes to say --- "you really change them." And I do. And it's the right thing. And I love Ballard. I do.

I love it because now I live in a house. In fact I live in the ground level of a dear friend's house. I love it because I can bike to work. I love it because the space fits me right. I love it because I can dig in the dirt and grow things. And build things...and I can walk by the sight of a dad with his little giggling girl , carrying a electric lantern and making shadows out on an evening walk

I love it because it reflects a life that looks very different than it used to. But by making this change, uprooting, I've said "my life looks very different than it used to." And that hurts my heart. Because, while I'm filled to the brim with gratefulness for where I am with me, my place in my world and the people who are in my life...getting here was painful. A lot to survive and weather and bounce back from. I'm resilient thank god but it took it's toll.

With this post I am marking a timepost. Here is where I say; "this has been hard and I'm now ready for the fruits of the labor of letting go of all the things and people that broke my heart." Marked.

And now for some beauty, found in the backyard...and, FYI, that rock wall? I built it.

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