In the last little while of my life there have been some really heart breaking things that have occurred and twined themselves up into my soul, a part of my reality from now on. Life being such as it is --- a confounding exercise in balance --- these heartbreaks have been what heartbreaks always are; tragic, heartrending, fury inducing... and yet for all that grief and frustration; I can't help but see the beautiful in it all as I recover more and more of myself and come to understand my new place in my own world.
I guess I shouldn't be surprised that this trip to Amsterdam has been no exception to the rule of what seems like a sudden steep mountain of profound experiences to climb. But I am surprised. Being here is wonderful. Truly. But in that wonder there is also heart break. Because I have to leave soon. And I've never experienced a city that seems so much the literal externalization of my own internal workings.
This city, so busy and full of life is often incongruently quite. Often on my wanders all I hear is the gentle 'whoosh' of bikes passing by, their bells fainting tinging as the road dips under the wheels. A chugging of a boat engine or the squeaking of the ducks if you are near a canal...it's still. It's serene. You can hear dutch voices echoing across the canals, bouncing off the densely layered buildings. You can hear your own voice.
The light is a particularly stunning shade of golden. It spills over the tops of crowded row houses and through the trees casting slanty shadows everywhere...
And I sit and try to wrap it all up into me, stitching it into my inner quilt of memories so that I can take it with me when I go. So that it too, along with the other recent sweetness/sorrows, is a part of my reality from now on.